I spent a lot of time over the past weekend journaling and making some goals. I meant to have this post all ready to go yesterday, but I didn't quite finish.
Friday, I made a meal plan for the upcoming week and went grocery shopping.
April has become a No Spend Month and I am taking it very seriously this time. I have tried a couple of times before to do this and was not successful. This time I have made a serious commitment. Outside of the bills, groceries and gas to get to work and back I do not plan to spend any money. No eating out. No shopping.
There is one (ok 3) to this. One is for the registration fee for my 5k this month (20 bucks), my tax preparation (but I sort of see that as a bill because hey… it's taxes) and some sage for burning. I want to smudge the house and rid it of all the negative energy. I am going to try and wait until May for this, if for no other reason than to prove to myself I can.
In my journaling this weekend I realized the two crutches I have used to not face feelings and emotions have caused even bigger problems. So from now on, if I want something, it goes on a list. To be determined later if, in fact, I really do want/need it or if it is being used to alter/mask feelings. I use shopping to make myself feel good and that's not a good thing. It reeks of lack of control and emotional instability. While items purchased may be small and inconsequential… they in fact add up and create debt and I am starting now to rid myself of all debt.
It will be a long road but you can't finish if you don't start.
The flip side of feeling good is feeling bad. I used food to numb those feelings and fears that were too much for me and, yet again, created an even bigger problem.
So my crutches—while they helped two feelings—created two bigger problems and now I need to deal with those.
This weekend was really good for me. I sat down and thought about what I really wanted from my life and I kept coming back to three words:
So I start April off with a bang! Meal plans and goals. Both of which I feel better about than I ever have before because in understanding why I was doing things the way I was, I realized how I can begin to heal and fix those things without making bigger problems.
I cannot continue to live my life in fear and anxiety. That does not make for a happy life and the last four days have shown me a glimpse of what I need my life to look like.
And I like it.